Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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