she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
