i think i have two assholes
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
