I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
