You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
