You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So here I am, sexting at work.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
