so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
is that a dick in a sweater?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
