life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
