Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
