she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
