No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize