How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
