I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
