all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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