he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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