the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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