I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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