Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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