ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
