just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
