I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
