so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
