i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
