Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize