Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
