Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
