he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
