he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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