Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
