i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
