He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
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