my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Sorry about my life...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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