I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
