I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
