I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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