Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
What drink are we having for lunch?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
