So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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