I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Sorry about my life...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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