I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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