Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
