They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
