I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
