my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
