I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
