He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
