I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
