My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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