Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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