Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
