forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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