My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
found the other keg... it's in the tree
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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