Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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