I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
