Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
