When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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