I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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