If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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