That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
