how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
